On this day, 2 years ago, I lost all remnants of who I used to be. I’ll never forget the moment that everything crumbled. On this anniversary of loses, it’s hard to find the positive. I can say that I have surely learned a multitude of lessons. I can say that it was an experience I will never forget. I can say a lot of “fluffy” things to make November 29th, 2008 sound like a blessing when really it was a curse. I have spent the last three years of my life wondering who I could have been if that moment never happened. I have spent hours upon hours, weeks and months contemplating if this was apart of the “plan” for my life. Somehow, I don’t think it was. I think I divinely forced it into my path rather than allowing nature to take its course. So then, at the end of three years who do I have to thank? Myself. Who do I have to blame? Why, myself of course. I’ve always believed that blaming your mistakes on other people is a bad habit to get into; I still live by that. There were so many things I could have accomplished in these three long years, but instead, I’ve sat around waiting for November 29th to happen again. I’ve spent hours staring at my phone hoping for a text, a call… anything, but you never did text, you never did call. I’ll be honest, most people know me to be strong-willed and easy to move forward… but not in this case. How do you forget the day that changed your life? How do you forget the person that brought so much happiness and pain all in an instant? How do you forget three years of hoping? You don’t. But I’ve come to realize that sometimes it’s better to cut your loses than to try to recover them. So maybe from now on, I’ll live by that. I’ll tell myself that November 29th is a memory, a mirage, a hallucination. And maybe I’ll forget that, that day changed it all.

I wish things were simple. I wish that feelings weren’t complicated. I wish that I knew exactly what I wanted and exactly how I felt. I wish that there was no grey area. I wish that God clearly set before me the plan. I am in fear that He has and that I am wearing blinders. If He has set His plan before my eyes and I am still missing it, I pray that He helps me to clear my vision. I need Him. I need His guidance in my life. Without Him I am nothing, I am lost, I am useless. 

I have lived my life believing in the the phrase, “once a cheater always a cheater”. A cheater never trusts because he cannot trust himself. A cheater never loves because he cannot truly love himself. A cheater never changes because he justifies his wrong doings. If a cheater is what I have always disdained, then tell me how he is the only one on my brain.

If our character is who we are when no one is watching, then i’m not so sure that i’m happy with who i am. 

Dear God, I pray you help him to understand. I pray that you help him to realize how happy I truly am. Lord, I pray for your blessing upon my life and for your wisdom to shine through my decisions. Help my father to realize that it’s all apart of growing up, help him Lord. 

I thank you with all of me. With everything in my being, with every morsel of myself; I thank you. Walking closer and stronger with you has brought me the greatest joy. I’ve never felt so content and so fulfilled, ever before. I know God is working in my life everyday and I am so grateful. He’s sent me someone to love, someone to grow with and someone to help me strengthen my faith. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am beyond grateful for God’s blessings in my life. 

I’ve learned more recently that while we have many choices to make, our choices for happiness and joy are few. For the longest time, I stood with my hand on the doorknob to joy with the door to happiness slightly cracked. While I stood there, deciding if I would open the door to joy I struggled to imagine what it would be like. I had heard tales of a greater happiness, an eternal one… but I could not fathom such a place, such a feeling. Then finally, I seemed to hear a voice that was encouraging me to open the door. Not to crack it slightly, as I had with the other door… but to swing it open. Finally, with all I had inside myself I did. It was the best choice of my life. God not only held me closer to Him, but he brought me indescribable blessings. Living a life full of joy helps others to see the love of God. My joy is a constant reminder: love God, love people.

turtleton

(Source: fallingfastlearningslowly)

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